Something strange occurred early on in one of my adult friendships, resulting in a considerable shift in my perspective and understanding of relationships. I learned that you do not have to like the same things as those closest to you. That may sound obvious, but hearing it for the first time lifted a veil from my eyes.

Within the first year of my relationship with a dear friend, she and I discussed something mundane: what outfit I should wear that day. I don’t remember the occasion, but for some reason, I waffled on which shirt or pants to wear. I mentioned wearing a navy blue top with some khaki pants, adding a brown belt and brown shoes. She said, “I don’t like blue and brown together.” 

I froze. I didn’t know how to respond. I started explaining myself, creating a defense for why I chose this particular pairing, and began to say how I don’t wear it often. Looking back, it felt like asking forgiveness for choosing such a distasteful combination.

She laughed, telling me I could wear blue and brown together if I liked and felt comfortable. Then she said something that stopped me in my tracks: “We don’t have to like the same things.” 

What?! Really? I genuinely, subconsciously thought we did. I’m not joking or exaggerating. I thought once you became close friends with someone, much of your preferences needed to sync. Writing that now feels ridiculous and absurd, but I genuinely believed it.

I can’t pinpoint when this belief began or why I held onto it for so long. Maybe I’ll add it to my long list of things to discuss with my therapist. Who knows? But the reality remains that I did not know how to respond when my friend said this.

I never minded when someone close to me didn’t like what I did. I didn’t feel offended by it but second-guessed my own judgment and preferences. For too long, I habitually deferred to the friend or family member speaking and shifted my thoughts accordingly, as though my affection for them made them an expert on everything and I a lowly student. 

I’m curious to know if this is a cultural phenomenon in the Southern United States, perhaps, with our old (read: outdated) tradition of sacrificing authenticity for politeness, especially for women. My friend grew up in one country and now lives in another, making her cultural formation quite different from my own. Her laughter betrayed a surprise and near incredulous tone at the silliness of my apologetic response. 

Perhaps the Southern habit of effusive hospitality translates into a desire to get along, no matter the cost. It begins with wanting to welcome someone to your table by serving food they like but then morphs into denying or altering your preferences to avoid making them feel insecure about their own. The next level results in holding back your opinions or proclivities until you hear theirs to better align yours to theirs to welcome them into your life. Of course, this results in sharing an inauthentic version of yourself merely for the accommodation of the other to ensure their comfort.

Another explanation comes when I consider the impact of rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) on ADHD people. Nearly 100% of us experience some form of rejection sensitivity, if not fully diagnosable RSD. ADDittude magazine provides a great explanation of the connection and definitions if you’re interested (Link to article). Still, the basic gist is that rejection sensitivity causes a person to believe you reject their entire person when you reject a part of them, even something as simple as a style preference. My friend stating she didn’t like blue and brown together quickly translated in my mind to her not liking the way I dress, which quickly translated to her not liking me and we shouldn’t be friends anymore.

Finally, the power of the “should” voice influences how we hear others’ opinions, especially if they differ from our own. When I hear a loved one tell me they do or do not like something, a short leap in thinking leads me to hear that I should or should not like it either. I care about this person, value their opinion, and insert a subtext to what they’re saying to me, one recommendation rather than a simple statement. When I respect someone’s opinion, I often wrongly assume they want me to agree on everything. I added the subtext to my friend saying she doesn’t like blue and brown together and came out with the understanding that I should not like blue and brown together and never should allow such a ghastly combination to be seen on my person.

“We don’t have to like the same things” became a paradigm-shifting moment in my life- absurd, I know. Even now, when she and I chat, I must push myself to be honest when our predilections differ. With effort I share that maybe I like a shirt she doesn’t or abhor a food she loves. I try to learn my lesson that different opinions are not a denial of affection, a betrayal of hospitality, rejection, nor the imposition of a new rule for my life. I leave differences to be as they are and resist tying any false emotions or assumptions to them.

I would like to hear from all of you. Comment on this post if you are inclined. Do you struggle with the same? Or does this sound absurd to you? I promise to take no offense either way…after all, they are merely differences of opinion.