This morning I needed to tackle dirty dishes and cluttered kitchen countertops. After an overindulgence in Christmas music, I chose to return to a favorite podcast instead to fill the silence. In less busy times, I love making podcasts the soundtrack to my work, as long as that work does not demand much mental capacity like folding laundry or picking up around the house. I find podcasts make good walking buddies too, but not running. In my running days (maybe they’ll return to me?) I preferred music with a steady beat to push me forward. But on long walks, listening to podcasts helps silence the voice that tells me I’m wasting time. If I can listen and walk, then I accomplish two tasks simultaneously and the moral reward increases. 

After the kids walked out the door for school, I asked Alexa to play Mayim Bialik’s Breakdown, one of my favorites. I then realized how long it had been since I listened because it resumed an episode from the summer. I’d like to think I’ve listened to some more recent episodes on my phone, but I wouldn’t bet on it. The episode started halfway through and I halfway listened until I remembered why I liked this particular interview originally: Mayim hosted Dr. Susan David to discuss how to “Build Emotional Agility, Avoid Burnout, & The Dangers of Toxic Positivity” (July 25, 2023, Episode 165).

I’m a glass half full person, or strive to be, and have understood positivity and happiness to be the apex of attitude and human emotion. I believed for a long time that I could think my way out of any bind as long as I told myself I could. After all, Norman Vincent Peale showed the world “The Power of Positive Thinking” in his book of the same title, published in 1952, and forever canonized that phrase and ideology in Western cultural dogma. Visualize yourself succeeding and you will…

…or maybe not. 

For all of my positivity, I found myself near burnout on more than one occasion wondering how I got there. I thought the right things, worked hard enough, showed up, threw my energy and enthusiasm into everything, and pushed for the promised improvement and perfection. Reading that sentence answers a lot about the failure of this mindset to produce happiness and instead, contribute to burn out. 

Confession: I’ve never read Peale’s book and perhaps this understanding strays far from his intention. But I argue intentions quake in the long shadow of cultural understanding and application. On a small scale I experience this when I preach or speak to a group and immediately after someone tells me how much they loved what I said, then repeat back to me their understanding of my words, which ends up a far cry from my intention. They walk away grateful and I stand dazed and confused wondering, “Did I say that?”

The distilled version of this philosophy becomes applied as: think positively and be successful and success brings happiness. If I think everything will turn out ok, then it will. When it doesn’t, disenchantment and disappointment appear, followed by fear of failure or feelings of inadequacy. On a side note, this same line of thinking appears in the “Prosperity Gospel,” which tweaks it to promote the idea that if a believer prays enough and believes well enough, God will bless them royally. I hate this theology. 

Another confession: I haven’t read Dr. Susan David’s book, Emotional Agility, but I ordered it and placed it on top of the pile on my nightstand. (Talk about the power of positive thinking…) I’m looking forward to a deeper dive into her way of thinking and how she dispels some of the myths behind this positivity ethos.

In Dr. David’s interview with Bialik, she speaks to the fetishization of happiness in our world today. We hold happiness high above most other emotions as the one to which we most need to strive. Happiness becomes the golden ticket granting us entrance into a world of pure ease and perfection. If happiness eludes us, we have failed in some way. We moralize emotions, labeling them “good” or “bad” and consider it a triumph or dereliction on the part of the self when we feel. 

Emotions are emotions, plain and simple. We, as humans, will experience nearly all of them at some point in time. Brené Brown takes her reader on an excellent exploration of the breadth and depth of human emotion in her book Atlas of the Heart. I highly recommend it to all.

In our house we have many mantras, one of which is “it’s ok not to be ok.” Everytime I repeat it to my kids, I say it more for my own benefit than theirs. When they’re not ok, I panic. The mom urge to fix everything doesn’t bubble or boil or surge but effusively gushes into every cell of my body. My legs prepare to run, my arms to catch, my mouth to say the magic words to heal, my brain to triage and problem solve, and my heart to break and bleed. Woah. Nelly.

I pull back hard on the reigns of those runaway mavericks, often failing and finding words tumbling out of my mouth without direction or purpose other than to diffuse and make comfortable. Because isn’t that what we most want as parents, per the idolization of happiness: to make our kids comfortable and happy? I try my best to check myself.

Some days I do really well and I listen, repeating our mantra and confessing I can’t fix it but I’m here with them in the pain and discomfort. Other days I’m mediocre and remember to stop the flow of words to ask, “Do you need to vent or do you need advice?” At least then my kids get a chance to say what they’re really wanting out of the conversation as opposed to what I impulsively attempt. At my worst the words flow and I get frustrated that I can’t solve every problem, bandage every emotional wound, or wipe away every pain. My kids walk away no better off and I go to my room to collapse on my bed, feeling like a failure.

Being happy is not the pinnacle of this life. Being happy is a product of a given situation and it is fleeting. Next time, that same situation may not bring happiness. Triggers for happiness do not guarantee repeat success and may, next time, produce disappointment instead.

Do I want my kids to be happy? Absolutely. Is it what I most want for them? Yes and no.

I want them to feel free to be who they are in any given moment, feel their feelings, and know they can share them with me because I’m here for it. I want them to learn and deploy coping skills in the moments when anger, disappointment, frustration, betrayal, apathy, lethargy, and more creep or gallop into their minds and bodies. I want them to understand that days come and go when no “good” emotions present themselves and on those days they are no less “normal” than on any other. Of course, I believe as they do these things, they will experience pride, contentment, self-satisfaction, and, yes, happiness.

I do believe there is something to be said for thinking positively about the self in the form of confidence. When I was a kid my dad would say, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re probably right,” an aphorism he heard along the way and adopted as his own. Confidence is one of the worst things we can take away from our children, one another, and especially ourselves. But confidence is not the same as toxic positivity. I believe I can do something but temper that with the underlying understanding that I mean to do my best and leave the rest to fate. But if I don’t begin with some confidence, I don’t stand a chance. This presents an immense challenge: to be satisfied with doing our best while not allowing our expectations to run wild, foreseeing glory, grandeur, and everlasting happiness rather than the more likely sense of accomplishment. pride in a job well done regardless of the outcome, and lessons learned from the failures as well as the successes.

It’s ok not to be ok, my friends. We are human. Sometimes not being ok does not require repair nor a prescription. Sometimes not being ok is exactly what we need.

I promise to read Dr. David’s book and I hope you will consider reading it as well. I definitely hope you at least look up Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart. We serve ourselves when we better understand, experience, and identify the great wealth of human emotion. 

Loving you all in this first week of the New Year and praying the year ahead brings you heartache and joy, pride and defeat, satisfaction and apathy, and the will to embrace it all as you are in that moment in time.